Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking, thinking in extremes or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both perceived positive and negative qualities of something into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism[11 wherein the individual tends to think in extremes (e.g., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground). This kind of dichotomous interpretation is contrasted by an acknowledgement of certain nuances known as "shades of gray". [2]

The idea for this piece came on a day where I was struggling to be kind to myself.
Sometimes I find it difficult not to compare myself to others and find myself lacking. On this particular day, I recognised the thoughts that were starting and instead of letting them control the downward spiral, I sat with the uncomfortable feelings and repeated positive mantras to myself. At first I didn't really believe them, but I kept saying them anyway, and do you know, it started to make the negative thoughts subside. The words we say to ourselves matter. For me, it sometimes helps to remind myself of the characteristics of my diagnosis. It reminds me that although my 'default setting' will be these reactions and thought processes, I have learned the skills to challenge them.
I decided to celebrate the quirkiness that makes me, me. So I drew myself as a Goth Ragdoll! I usually shy away from drawing figures. I find it extremely difficult, but it started to take shape, so I went with it. That in itself was a huge boost.

~ Indigo Orlean 

The Old Oak Tree

I took my heart
Into the woods
Placed it beneath a tree
I covered it with leaves and moss
So nobody would see

A broken heart’s no use to me
And not one that beats for you
But when you left
It drummed your name
And that's all that it would do

I begged it not to keep on calling
I told it we were through
But all day and night
It beat your name
The song of love it had for you

So I cut it out to save my soul
So that I could catch my breath

And there beneath
The Old Oak Tree
I laid my beart to rest

~ Indigo Orlean

I Am A Woman

I am a woman with a fire inside
Titanium core
Soft on the outside

Don't try to reduce me
Don't shame me or tame me
Obedient women seldom make history

I'll never be perfect
I’ll sometimes be sweet
But I'm rough at the edges
My words will cut deep

I love me this way
And to hold me you’ll learn
That this woman won't dim
Or lessen her burn

I fought for my life
I've worn all my pain
I'll never return to that darkness again

So love me for me
Or don't love me at all
See me as I am
And I’ll keep us both warm

~ Indigo Orlean

My Green-Eyed Monster

I have always found jealously to be the most difficult of emotions to navigate. It's an immense waste of energy. It is destructive, ugly and of absolutely no use to the person who experiences it, or the relationships they are in. How I've wished over the years that I could just switch it off. I'd pay good money to have someone reprogram my brain to rid me of it.

So when My Green-Eyed Monster crept in recently and I felt the gut-twisting tension of her presence, I knew I was in for a dose of intense discomfort.

Since my journey into self-love and self-acceptance began, I have to acknowledge that she's shown up less, or when she did come knocking, I was able to turn her away without entering into conversation with her.
But this time she persisted.
So I asked myself, what is she here for?
What is the lesson here?

I sat with her a while.
She showed me myself through her eyes.
She was unkind. And although I tried not to listen to her, when I next looked in the mirror, she had changed me.
Physically, the body I have worked so hard to improve over the last year stopped shining proudly at me. She'd picked holes in it. And I had let her.

So I turned my sights inward.
Surely all this work I had done on my inner self would now stand up to her attacks.
But she'd been there too and she said:
'You still let me in here and because you have, I have made you ugly. No one could love you or want you now' And she set herself a place at my table and I, weakened by her presence, let her share my food.

As I sat with her, I felt disgust and anger. Why was she back here?
Why had I failed to love and accept myself when I'd felt I had really turned a corner?
The anger grew inside me and although I tried to direct it at her, she continued to turn it back on me and I continued to let her, because I couldn't find evidence that all she said about me was untrue. I let her work in her punches and slaps and I joined her, and we engaged in full combat, tearing each other apart, until we were both so exhausted, we collapsed and cried.

'Why are we so broken?' I asked her.
'You're the broken one, not me. You don't let me protect you. You'll make a fool of yourself. You'll let other people make a fool of you too' she said.
'You can't protect me. I don't want you to' I told her and I saw she was hurt and small and desperate for acceptance and reassurance.
She was here as a warning, as she had been so many times before.
Here to remind me that this journey to connect with myself is ongoing and that my connections with others need some maintenance.

I can show people my emotional vulnerability. I'm not afraid to be seen. But when My Green-Eyed Monster shows up, I feel shame and that shame pushes me further away from myself and from my relationships.
I began to think of all the times she showed up before.
And all the times recently that I had expected her, but she hadn't arrived and the times she knocked, but I turned her away.
I thought about what had been different and I saw that she was here because we were afraid.

I put my arm around her.
'If I'm so unlovable, why do you want to protect me?' asked her gently.
'Because when you hurt, I hurt more and I don't know if I can stand for us to hurt anymore' she said.
'It's okay to be afraid' I told her. 'We'll face it together'.

Then I held her and I let her sleep beside me and when I woke in the morning, she had gone.

~ Indigo Orlean